Thursday, May 23, 2013

Dexter Mayhem: all in a day's work.

For those of you who haven’t met my semi-loyal companion (he only likes me when I’m feeding him, scratching his belly, or pregnant), I think it’s probably time to get you more familiar with Dexter, the self-appointed CEO of the Hurricane Household.

As CEO, his duties include (but of course, are not limited to):

  • Greeting all guests with a goofy grin and excessive jumping/body-wagging
  • Sharing his toys with O
  • Answering tough questions like “whosagooboy?” and “Who the hell ate the whole roll of toilet paper?” with a passive eyebrow-raise and leisurely departure of the room
  • Eating rolls of toilet paper (as indicated in previous duty)
  • Enforcing security:
    • Barking at neighbor children for using our segment of the road
    • Barking at the mailman as he delivers our mail
    • Barking at scary commercials on tv
    • Barking when our garage door opens (typically indicating that it is someone who lives here or has our security code)
    • Barking at any and all decorative door items including but not limited to: 
      • wreaths
      • signs
      • sashes
      • bells
      • floral arrangements (especially those damn floral arrangements... oh, how he hates those flowers)
  • Ensuring proper noise levels at night (He snores.  Louder than some humans)
  • Post-meal kitchen clean up (although he's now on a restricted diet for his allergies, so we do our best to not leave anything for him to clean up, which, if you've ever lived with a toddler, you know is impossible)
  • Kid clean up specializing in facial and forelimb areas
  • Stealth-farting (and not-so-stealth farting) and leaving the room, spurring “who farted?” arguments among all speaking inhabitants
  • Ensuring daily tug-of-war and ball-playing quotas are met
  • Lightening the mood and cheering up all Hurricane Household members with silly antics including but not limited to:
    • Licking face
    • Chasing imaginary fly
    • Jumping up and down (literally, all four paws off the floor at once)
    • Wagging entire body in circles around said person’s feet, rendering them immobile until proper cheering has occurred
  • Scaring away varmints within the perimeter of the Hurricane Household, including but not limited to:
    • Cats
    • Raccoons
    • Opossums
    • Stray children

In addition to these duties, he’s also held accountable for the following:
  • Being the reason we can’t have nice things
  • Being the reason we house our toilet paper rolls on the vanity or the toilet tank like a frat house
  • Being the reason O can’t have a pacifier outside of his crib
  • Keeping us guessing as to his medical condition (constantly itching/balding/licking, through various food changes, medicines, lotions, sprays and voo-doo magic)
As you can tell, this job is no walk in the park (or pee on a fire hydrant), but he handles it with the grace of a rhinoceros and the expertise that only he can bring to the table.

No comments:

Post a Comment