For those of you who haven’t met my semi-loyal companion (he
only likes me when I’m feeding him, scratching his belly, or pregnant), I think
it’s probably time to get you more familiar with Dexter, the self-appointed CEO
of the Hurricane Household.
As CEO, his duties include (but of course, are not limited
to):
- Greeting all guests with a goofy grin and excessive jumping/body-wagging
- Sharing his toys with O
- Answering tough questions like “whosagooboy?” and “Who the hell ate the whole roll of toilet paper?” with a passive eyebrow-raise and leisurely departure of the room
- Eating rolls of toilet paper (as indicated in previous duty)
- Enforcing security:
- Barking at neighbor children for using our segment of the road
- Barking at the mailman as he delivers our mail
- Barking at scary commercials on tv
- Barking when our garage door opens (typically indicating that it is someone who lives here or has our security code)
- Barking at any and all decorative door items including but not limited to:
- wreaths
- signs
- sashes
- bells
- floral arrangements (especially those damn floral arrangements... oh, how he hates those flowers)
- Ensuring proper noise levels at night (He snores. Louder than some humans)
- Post-meal kitchen clean up (although he's now on a restricted diet for his allergies, so we do our best to not leave anything for him to clean up, which, if you've ever lived with a toddler, you know is impossible)
- Kid clean up specializing in facial and forelimb areas
- Stealth-farting (and not-so-stealth farting) and leaving the room, spurring “who farted?” arguments among all speaking inhabitants
- Ensuring daily tug-of-war and ball-playing quotas are met
- Lightening the mood and cheering up all Hurricane Household members with silly antics including but not limited to:
- Licking face
- Chasing imaginary fly
- Jumping up and down (literally, all four paws off the floor at once)
- Wagging entire body in circles around said person’s feet, rendering them immobile until proper cheering has occurred
- Scaring away varmints within the perimeter of the Hurricane Household, including but not limited to:
- Cats
- Raccoons
- Opossums
- Stray children
In addition to these duties, he’s also held accountable for
the following:
- Being the reason we can’t have nice things
- Being the reason we house our toilet paper rolls on the vanity or the toilet tank like a frat house
- Being the reason O can’t have a pacifier outside of his crib
- Keeping us guessing as to his medical condition (constantly itching/balding/licking, through various food changes, medicines, lotions, sprays and voo-doo magic)
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