Monday, May 20, 2013

7 Ways Being a New Parents is Like Being Drunk

I am in the middle of baby-stravaganza (Babypalooza? Babpocalypse?).  Is it just me, or has half of the population either had a child within the last month, or is expecting one in the next couple of months?  I’m so happy for all of my friends and family members, (have I mentioned I'm about to be a proud aunt again-- twice?!) but I feel like someone needs to warn them about what they're in for.  And no-- this is no What to Expect When You're Expecting.  Congratulations, everyone!  Now, get ready for the ride of your life!

I've alluded to the fact that I've slowed down my party habits here.  If you're wondering why, it pretty much boils down to the fact that I feel like I’m living in a frat house already.  Maybe you’ve seen the funny memes or ecards that say something to that effect, but if this is a new theory to you, go ahead and read about it here.

You might laugh (especially if you don't have kids), but it's true.  You'll find out someday; consider yourself warned.  What nobody told me was that for the first nine months of that little one's life, it feels like you're the drunk person.  Don't believe me?  Here are 7 Ways Being a New Parents is Like Being Drunk.

1. You can fall asleep/pass out anywhere.
  The bus, the doctor's office, the bathroom, the kitchen table... all you need is to sit still longer than two minutes.  It's no different than passing out in your Friday morning history class.
2. You stumble around the house at all hours of the night.  It's 2 am, what are you doing up?  Heading to the fridge for another bottle!  Tripping over bouncy seats and teddy bears all the way, stubbing your toe on the pack & play you left out for daytime naps in the living room.
3. You do dumb things.  Car keys in the fridge.  Cell phone in the mailbox.  I can't even remember all the stupid stuff I did in the first month I brought O home... I vaguely remember using diaper cream as hand lotion.  When you're responsible for the life of another human being, you've got more important things to think about than whether you paid your phone bill or if you got the gas nozzle out of your tank and back onto the pump.
4. Your speech is slurred. Lack of sleep coupled with "sshhhh shhh shhh"ing a baby for hours will do that to you.
5. You have no regard for how you look.  You want to care.  You want to put the effort forth.  But you also want cereal, and right now you're out of milk, so the bitches at the grocery store can deal with your pajama pants and haphazard ponytail today.
6. You've got the drunchies.  It's 3am and dang, what you wouldn't give for a Big Mac or some nachos, man! 
7. You're highly emotional.  "What did she SAY TO ME?!" Just like a cat fight at the bar or the drunk girl sobbing in the corner, it doesn't take much to spark an emotional reaction right now. 

Parents, what do you think?  Did I miss anything?  Congratulations to all of my friends bringing home their new bundles of joy!  You will sleep again some day :)


  1. I don't think I'm going to the store with a pony tail any time soon.

    ~T Dinger

    BTW, Thanks!

  2. Oh man... mullet growing not going to well? :)

  3. The back is growing perfect, its the top that's a bit of a challenge.

    ~T Dinger